Lucky number 13

Interesting to me how that anger
The other side of me that once took over
Subsided at age thirteen
Which is also my lucky number
The day of the month I was married and born
Age I got involved in the church
Clubs at school, and when I decided
I wanted to help other people
And pursue my degree in psychology

Before that point so many different times
I cared only about myself
Using racial slang to upset others
Firing BB guns at people I knew
Knocking someone out in 5th grade
Starting a small forest fire the same year
Destroying other people's school work
Hurling my best friend's glasses up a tree
Pushing someone down a flight of stairs
Embarrassing numerous people by tripping them
Stabbing a pencil into someones leg
Laughing at other's expense whenever possible
And saying, "well, they deserved it."

So insecure then that each pebble thrown
Hit my pond and created tidal waves of the other me
The angry side I now manage to subdue
To this day I still must agree
I became weaker in many ways
Pushing down that part, and opening myself up
To the pain and hurt I absorbed for years
Without much of a reaction
Except taking it out on those I loved

And now, now I don't have two parts
I don't even have a whole me
Just a partially filled shell
Of what I once was
Trying to find my way through the maze
Of defense mechanisms and walls in my mind
Back to the happy thirteen year old
That could laugh, cry, smile, and show emotion
With less than a thoughts provocation

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