#73 - Dear Diary

Last weeks never got read by anyone-that is your guilt trip, here is this weeks...on time for once.

Dear Diary,

I woke up today feeling like sometimes I don't do enough. Plenty for myself. But more for my job, my wife, the community, learning about the world, visiting places, just being a better citizen and person over all.

I am really happy I have started to write poetry again now that I have a little (this is the key word) more time to do so. It may only be a few days out of fifteen but that is better than nothing.

There are lots of things I am and will always be ashamed of that I keep bringing up and can't let die like my drug problems. It's one thing to laugh about yourself and something else entirely to enjoy telling stories for the sake of shock value. I look like such an innocent and people just can't believe them. Telling the truth is so much more effective and terrible than lying for me, and I love it. I wish I could keep my mouth shut some of the time. (except when blogging because you can always stop reading :)

I wish I had experimented and had my bad behavior before college so that I would have learned when my parents still had a big influence on me and I would have gotten over that stage of my life earlier. If I had to choose good grades in HS or college, I obviously would have picked college. Although they were above average, they were not good because I was much too stoned to care.

I really wish I had more friends who cared about me. I know everyone is busy. I am too. However I invited close to 100 friends to my wedding and about 10 came. Half from here and half traveled short distances. Two of the ones who were most important could not come and that hurt. When I want to talk to someone I always have to do the calling. It has been that way forever unless someone wants something. It would have been nice to be invited to social gatherings and be a little more popular early on and not so awkward, although I doubt I would be who I am if I had any of that.

I got an email this morning that really brought me down, which being manic, does not happen often. It was like a critique of how I seem to just not give a crap about anything and I do. It reminded me of all the times people used to say I sounded angry on the phone. It took years for me to perfect a phone voice that didn't sound that way. I am so full of sarcasm that sometimes one can read my voice better than my expressions, but those are bad too.

I am, in the end, very pleased with how things turned out over all. My family is great. My wife and cats are great. When I have a child someday I am sure that will be great. The friends are the only thing I stress over. I have from the beginning, and always will find it awesome that blogging came about because without it I would have no contact with the outside world beyond work.