RED

I haven't decided if this is the poem for PT this week or not but it does follow the optional idea. I am trying something new with repetition, rhyming, intense description, and word choice for a different type of poem for me. I did sit for 18 minutes instead of the usual 3-5 and just create something that is no way like my usual work. I thought it was fun but I need feedback.

Red
Like a firetruck with screaming sirens
Soaring through the bumper to bumper traffic
Of headlights and brake lights and parking lights

Don't put so much wine into this frail crystal glass
He thought as his battered and bruised face hit the
Velvet cake colored carpet which broke his fall
Shaking the spit and sweat from his brow
He sniffed the scent of scotch and cigarettes
Realizing this was nothing more than another blackout
He glanced up to find another fist powerfully pushing downward

Like a psychic prepared for the pummel he rolled
The punch grazing his hair as slow motion kicked in
Rising rapidly listening to the padded pound
It was now he began throwing a 'now or never' knockout swing
Towards this aggravating assertive asshole, attempting to injure him
Time stood still as the crack of bone to bone contact
Echoed from his fist smashing open the skull of the attacker

When the ticking clicking clocks resumed, he stood victorious
His abusive father face down, and one drop formed
Then two, and three, and four all forming an invisible puddle on the floor
The Bleeding blending into the carpet that had always seemed so tacky
On this awkward occasion it disguised life perfectly

Although dad not shaking or still, and far from dead
The abuse had finally ended once and for all
All because of red

16 comments:

Mary J. said...

I think this is quite powerful. I worry about some of the images that might be cliche - well, mainly the first "like a firetruck." I wonder if you could someone evoke the firetruck without necessarily stating it.

Otherwise, the language is dense, fitting for the subject and movement of the poem. I was so surprised at the end, and the carpet part was great.

Jone said...

Chris, very powerful and raw with emotion. I read and re-read it. The different images of red carried me through.
BTW, I finally did the PT for last week. You know, your idea. Thaks for the challenge it took me awhile.
http://deowriter.blogspot.com/2007/03/poetry-thursday-beauty-without-name.html

Jone said...

Chris, very powerful and raw with emotion. I read and re-read it. The different images of red carried me through.
BTW, I finally did the PT for last week. You know, your idea. Thaks for the challenge it took me awhile.
http://deowriter.blogspot.com/2007/03/poetry-thursday-beauty-without-name.html

Clockworkchris said...

Thanks for your comments and compliments. I am still deciding if this is the final poem or if it needs revision. I think the carpet was my favorite part as well.

Rethabile said...

Good job, Chris. I can't say which is my favourite part. My favourite tool, however, is the internal "rhyming" that uses consonance to reinforce certain, central ideas. Cool.

Clockworkchris said...

Thanks rethabile, I worked on that poem longer than any other in probably a year, but I don't think it's the best one.

writerwoman said...

Love this line
Don't put so much wine into this frail crystal glass

and the blackout part.

This poem struck close to home, telling a story that seems like a memory to me.

Really deep work this time.

Clockworkchris said...

Sara, I liked that line a lot too because it was another way to put in red, but also because it didn't really fit in at first. You are so great to read so much of my stuff.

Brian said...

Chilling poem, I never came to blows, but wanted to.

DewyKnickers said...

I like the violence in the poem, each word a blow to the reader, until we are the ones on the carpet.

Rose

xo

Clockworkchris said...

This is a first-this week the actual hits to the site have been down but comments up. I think I like that.

Brian-My father and I never came to blows and he never drank-this just worked good for the topic this week. I kicked my dad in the head once but it was an accident (Karate practice).

Rose-Glad you enjoyed it. The carpet is totally the best part of this poem. To be honest I enjoyed writing something that was gory and violent. I never had before and it was lots of fun. I love horror movies. Maybe it's my calling. :)

gautami tripathy said...

Powerful and very hard hitting. It scared me somewhat..


I like it.

rel said...

Chris,
3-5 minutes? Oh great...rub it in my man, rub it in. ;-)
The poem flowed off my tongue smoothly. you can tweak it to satisfy yourself, but it satisfyies me as it is.
I was 16 when I put it to an end!
rel

wendy said...

i thought that from here on


Don't put so much wine into this frail crystal glass
He thought as his battered and bruised face hit the
Velvet cake colored carpet which broke his fall
Shaking the spit and sweat from his brow
He sniffed the scent of scotch and cigarettes
Realizing this was nothing more than another blackout....

It was brilliant! The first stanza was a bit disjointed for me...but it maybe a sense memory for you...A really well done poem. Bravo!

Clockworkchris said...

Remi-you caught me being an ass-good eye-I was waiting for someone to get pissed about that-glad my sense of humor isn't all in vain. I was never abused but good for you standing up for yourself.

Wendy-I think the beginning is disjointed as well-I was hoping for some feedback like yours. I love hearing how my poetry comes from my memory when I just write stuff. Maybe my life was so easy that I never learned to cry and that is why I can't. Anyways, I would like to change it, I just haven't progressed past the raw first draft with my poetry yet. I think I will begin that in a few weeks, but for now I am having fun this way.

Jessica said...

I really like the density of the images in this poem. It's very raw and I like the twists and turns it takes.